small town girl...
This visit to Chicago was another eye opener for me. It helped stir up and settle the thoughts about the type of person I've always wanted to be and the type of person I am. While it was great to spend time with my sister, I had nightmares most nights and didn't sleep much. I was anxious most of the time there. The city just gets to me. It just goes back to me being scared again. I hate the thought of living there. To me, it's lonely. There's no community. You are like a freak if you speak to people on the bus, your cab driver or someone you are standing in line with. I need people. As much as I complain about my current situation, which is ideal, there is no way I would trade my worst day for a great day there.
BUT on the other hand... I had huge dreams in college to go be a mega business person and work for Trump. Live in a big city... make lots of money... Be Somebody important... I've always lived by the "it's who you know" mentality and I thought I could kiss ass all the way to the top... which it's possible that I could have, but God knew better and I somehow ended up in higher education. I am prideful, greedy and selfish - everything you need to be to make it in the business world. Then, sometimes I'm moral, compassionate and personable... everything you don't need to be. "it's not personal, it's business" This is a rambling post... mainly b/c I can't fall asleep. I'm just getting my thoughts out about what I felt while I was there... what went through my head seeing the people in Chicago and walking the streets of corporate america.
Is is wrong that I want to be SOMEBODY? like, somebody that everyone knows...? does that make sense? i want to do something big... huge... That is one of the desires in my heart.... but isn't that crazy selfish... wrong?!? It's coming from my heart which is deceitful above all things (Jer. 17:9) but maybe God is stiring something in my soul to do something great... maybe? surely! Why do I have this desire to lead... to be in charge? Am I really that bossy of a person... or controlling? eh, some would say yes.
I don't have to live in a big city to do great things. I guess I learned that from this trip. I have a great life... not in the spotlight... in a small town... with a great circle of friends and family. I make decent money... drive a nice car... and can pay my bills. Is that enough? God is enough so I'm praying that I'll be content with where I am... doing the job that I'm doing and look for opportunities to be great for Him instead of ones that magnify me.
He must increase and I must decrease. john 3:30
I'm assuming some people won't understand where I'm coming from or what I'm even rambling about but just as my friend pray for me as I learn to be the person God has me as now instead of the person I thought I would be.
BUT on the other hand... I had huge dreams in college to go be a mega business person and work for Trump. Live in a big city... make lots of money... Be Somebody important... I've always lived by the "it's who you know" mentality and I thought I could kiss ass all the way to the top... which it's possible that I could have, but God knew better and I somehow ended up in higher education. I am prideful, greedy and selfish - everything you need to be to make it in the business world. Then, sometimes I'm moral, compassionate and personable... everything you don't need to be. "it's not personal, it's business" This is a rambling post... mainly b/c I can't fall asleep. I'm just getting my thoughts out about what I felt while I was there... what went through my head seeing the people in Chicago and walking the streets of corporate america.
Is is wrong that I want to be SOMEBODY? like, somebody that everyone knows...? does that make sense? i want to do something big... huge... That is one of the desires in my heart.... but isn't that crazy selfish... wrong?!? It's coming from my heart which is deceitful above all things (Jer. 17:9) but maybe God is stiring something in my soul to do something great... maybe? surely! Why do I have this desire to lead... to be in charge? Am I really that bossy of a person... or controlling? eh, some would say yes.
I don't have to live in a big city to do great things. I guess I learned that from this trip. I have a great life... not in the spotlight... in a small town... with a great circle of friends and family. I make decent money... drive a nice car... and can pay my bills. Is that enough? God is enough so I'm praying that I'll be content with where I am... doing the job that I'm doing and look for opportunities to be great for Him instead of ones that magnify me.
He must increase and I must decrease. john 3:30
I'm assuming some people won't understand where I'm coming from or what I'm even rambling about but just as my friend pray for me as I learn to be the person God has me as now instead of the person I thought I would be.
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